Episode 15: Shame
In this episode, we are going to delve into the topic of shame. Unlike last week's episode about guilt, this is an area that I have faced too many times in my life. And for a long time, I battled with it and had no idea what it was. The first time I realised anything, was when I was in a worship event and I heard the Holy Spirit say “You have a problem with shame”. That was probably about 7 years ago. Ever since, I have been slowly coming to understand what that means, how it has shaped my life, and how I could be free of it.
Shame is a much more common word these days, largely on account of Brene Brown. In her famous Ted Talk, she brought the theme of shame, from its position of secrecy to a major discussion point in society. And in the Christian world, preachers like Christine Caine and Craig Groeschel have spoken or written about it too. So my intention is not to compete with what is already out there. Because I’m sure I wouldn’t have that much more to add. But I do intend to go deeper. If that’s at all possible.
So what exactly is ‘shame’? Well, this is Brene Brown's definition:
“Intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”
And with my zero years as a researcher and slightly Christian slant...I present to you my definition:
“The associated pain & unpleasant feelings of unworthiness triggered by self-condemnation”
Yes, I believe that shame is derived from a harsh self-judgement. Sometimes that self-judgement is so ingrained, that it’s not just periodic. It’s constant to the point that it becomes our normal posture. The very lens through which we see and interpret all things in life and faith. In that way, it is grossly debilitating and not just unpleasant.
Shame is very different from guilt. Brene Brown again does a much better job than I could do, when she explains that guilt is an emotion that is triggered by something we have done. But shame says “I am a mistake” rather than “I made a mistake”. It internalises the statement. I like how Craig Groeschel distinguishes the difference between shame and guilt too when He says that guilt is action-based, whilst shame is identity-based.
And whilst they are both different, I do think that they have a relationship. That guilt often, and almost immediately for some, translates into shame. For instance, we might tell ourselves not to eat the cookie...and then we inevitably do...we feel guilty for eating the cookie. And afterwards, when we see the cookie crumbs on our shirt and the chocolate on our face, we say “I’m so fat” or “I’m so bad”. And thus enters shame. Because the conclusion we came to, was an internalised negative statement about who we are. We don’t even think about how suddenly that cookie became really powerful if it was able to draw us to such conclusions about ourselves and who we are. And we assume the lesson is: don’t eat the cookie. But should that really be our takeaway?
It’s so easy to veer into shame too because it predominantly hinges on two very common concerns we have:
Am I good enough?
Who do you think you are? As in, what are you trying to prove?
It shouldn’t surprise us to know that both of these questions plagued our Biblical ancestors as much as they do us today. Even without the social media and the complex pressures, we face daily. These two questions aren’t new. As I am going to show you.
There are two really prominent stories that demonstrate the occurrence of this question: Am I good enough?
The first is in the story of Gideon in Judges 6. The introduction to this story describes the terrible heinous acts perpetrated against the Israelite people, at the hands of the Midianites. The Israelite people had been unfaithful to God, and so He gives them into the hands of the Midianites for 7 years. And they were really bad. The Israelites would camp out in the caves, and when the Midianites came upon their land, would leave the land devastated. There would be no animals left behind. And so the people of God cry out again, and God speaks through a prophet, but nothing really happens. At least it doesn’t seem like there is an immediate resolution.
But then God approaches Gideon. Now Gideon is threshing wheat in the winepress. That’s not really the place you would thresh wheat. I’ve heard preachers say that He was doing so to hide from the Midianites, and I gotta say I don’t really blame him, especially if they were known to steal it. But then in verse 12, the angel of the Lord comes and says
“The Lord is with you, O mighty man of valour”
Imagine the juxtaposition. He’s hiding, and Gods calling Him a mighty man of valour. Anyway, Gideon responds, ‘well if the Lord was with us, we wouldn’t be in this situation.’ And God says that He is going to save Israel through Him.
But here is the moment we hear the “I’m not good enough”. Gideon replies in verse 15:
“Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house.”
What is Gideon really saying? He’s saying I’m not good enough! Not only am I in the weakest clan, but I am also the lowest in my family. In other words, I am the weakest of the weak. His focus is completely on himself, His own inadequacies, all of which He believes disqualifies him.
The story goes on and God demonstrates signs and wonders, and sure enough Gideon becomes a great man! He is a conduit for God’s rescue of His people because he obeys.
Now Gideon is a good story.
Then there is the story of King Saul
The story of Saul begins in 1 Samuel 9 with Saul visiting the land where the prophet Samuel lives. Samuel gets a download from God as Saul approaches Him, telling him that Saul is the man that will rule the people of Israel. In verse 20, Samuel is communicating what God has told Him to Saul. But Saul replies:
“But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why do you say such a thing to me?”
This is the first sign we see Saul’s feelings of inadequacy. Just as Gideon, he doesn’t believe he is good enough because of his family heritage.
Next in 1 Samuel 10, Saul has returned to His uncle. His uncle asks, “where you been?” And he says when he couldn’t find the sheep, he went to the prophet Samuel. His uncle says “Tell me what the prophet says to you” and this is what scripture tells us is Sauls reply in verse 16:
“He assured us that the donkeys had been found.” But he did not tell his uncle what Samuel had said about the kingship.
Why did he not tell him? The uncle was going to find out. Why was he not excited about this?
Okay there is one more circumstance that occurs with Saul that tells us a lot about his state of mind.
Samuel is about to announce to the Israelite nation, the leader that God has chosen for His people. He asks the tribes to present themselves before God and each other. And finally arrives at Saul's tribe. Let’s see what happens in verse 21-22:
“Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri’s clan was taken. Finally Saul, son of Kish was taken. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. So they inquired further of the Lord, “Has the man come here yet?”
And the Lord said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.””
He hid! This is like the day of inauguration. It’s his anointing day. Imagine if a President didn’t turn up for His own inauguration. And God doesn’t sugarcoat it. Well he can’t because He can’t lie. But He doesn’t say he got lost. Or he needed to go to the bathroom. He was hiding. In the supplies! No king, that knew he was a king, that was meant to be in that position...would ever step foot in the supplies closet. Saul didn’t believe He was good enough to be King. And it caused him to be afraid and I think he felt ashamed.
Then Sauls story goes on. He is oppressed by a Spirit, that's when He first meets David. He doesn’t face Goliath. He commences a task that can only be done by a Priest...which causes him to lose His anointing. And after that it gets worse. He attempts to kill David several times. He hurls a spear at his own son for challenging him. He charges people for conspiring against him because they protect David. He commits a mass murder: 85 priests to be exact. And He bans all mediums from Israel, but then goes and consults a medium. His journey with not feeling good enough, never really changed. He didn’t grow, he didn’t get better. The stakes just got higher, and he had more power with which to control the threats to his pride and shame.
The second question requires a little bit more explanation. ‘Who do you think you are? Is triggered by this voice in our heads that believes we are trying to be more than we have the right to be. It’s probably not just our voice really, it’s probably the enemies. So to begin with, we have this self-perception, this image of what we deserve or even who we deserve to be. And when we begin to step beyond that self-perception, it's like an internal betrayal to our negative self-worth. And therefore the negative self-worth, who is this really harsh critic, tries to drag us back into alignment, using this question intended to make you feel ashamed again.
Who do you think you are, is another way of saying - ‘How dare you be something you're not? You don’t have the right to do that!’ In psychology, they call this the “Imposter syndrome”. Which is this sense that you are a phony and fake and that eventually people are going to discover that. Because that inner self-critic can only conclude that you must be faking it, since it is unable to comprehend that you may actually be a remarkable human.
In this perception, it’s the people who are worthy who get the choice circumstances in life. So when you get a choice circumstance, you figure it’s only a matter of time before you get discovered as a fraud. ‘Who do you think you are’ might also be voiced as ‘what are you trying to prove?’
Now as always we project this question onto others too...we will look at others and say “They aren’t that good. Who do they think they are?” As though there is something that qualifies us all when it comes to God.
So let’s consider the story of David the Shepherd boy, found in 1 Samuel 17. Goliath the Philistine warrior is facing the Israelite army. David's brothers are out in the battlefields with Saul's army, and Jesse, David's Father, asks David to go and deliver a basket of bread and cheese. And while David is talking to his brothers, Goliath comes out yelling a threat and challenge that he has been yelling for 40 days without defeat. And David’s response is “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?” In other words - Who does this guy think He is? Does he know who we are? Does he know who our God is? David seems legitimately confused about how Goliath could dare to come against the Israelite army.
Sadly, David’s brother mistakenly identifies David's confidence as pride and says “Why are you here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness?” He almost flips it back onto David: “What right do you have to be here? You’re supposed to be looking after the sheep!” The point is: according to David’s brother, He wasn’t supposed to be there. He didn’t have the right to be. He accuses David of neglecting His duties to come to a place He isn’t supposed to be to watch the battle. Now it may not have been David’s right, in the eyes of man, to have been there. But in the eyes of God, it was His destiny. Before David had a real chance to reconsider, He was a 15-19 year old boy being summoned to the King...with the intention of throwing Him to the giant. I find it so amazing that the Israelite army feigned in comparison to the courage of a young boy. Eliabs’ questions and statements were meant to have David cowering back home and be back in his rightful place: with the sheep, away from the men. Now how often have you heard the same question? Whether it was in your head or by someone else? Get back in your box! You don’t belong here! How dare you?!
Don’t be fooled, this is the very voice of the enemy. Because the truth is, you have EVERY right to walk out confidently the plan God has for your life. You have the authority in Christ, to trample on scorpions, remember? The fact is, the enemy uses this one because He knows that HE is the one who has no rights, and authority...and that dark forces must submit to His authority which He delegates to us. Of course the enemy wants to confuse you about that.
The second example is by none other than our precious saviour Jesus.
In Matthew 13, Jesus has just been teaching a number of different parables. And finally he arrives in His hometown, and begins to teach in the temple. But the people there say -
“Where did this man get this wisdom and these mighty works? Is not this the carpenter's son? Is not his mother called Mary? And are not his brothers James and Joseph and Simon and Judas? And are not all his sisters with us? Where did this man get all these things?”
Now we could assume that their questions and responses were really just disbelief. Except that in verse 57 it says, “they took offence at him”. Now why would you take offence, unless there was something about the situation that was offensive? Recognising that Jesus was related to common familiar folk, from regular humble beginnings such as where you are found in...is not necessarily an offence producing situation. Unless you feel insulted that He dared to be something more than what you think a Nazarite deserved. In John 1:46, Nathaniel, one of the disciples, once said “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Sadly, it seems that the Nazarene community thought the same as everyone else.
So what kind of things would you do or feel if you were ashamed?
For some, you don’t need me to describe this. You’re all too aware of shame and how it impacts your life. But I know that this isn’t the case for everyone, so here’s just some of the things you will do or feel when you have shame:
Fear of Intimacy
The feeling of being exposed is a nightmare for those who struggle with shame. And for that reason, people who struggle with shame will find it really hard to be completely themselves or be completely honest with other people. They may hide behind certain behaviours as a protection mechanism. Joking, sarcasm, and a host of other things. But ultimately it's to avoid that feeling of being exposed
2. Self-harm
This is not always the case, but a person with shame might present with not only the more well known versions of self-harm, like cutting or self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. But also overeating, overspending, and activities that are in essence a form of self-sabotage
3. Feelings of deficiency & Low Self Worth
This is probably one of the central features of shame. It’s how you feel. When you have shame, you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You lack somehow. Sometimes you can’t even pinpoint exactly what it is you lack! But you know that you are just not good enough. You are not as important as everybody else. And you definitely don’t feel like an equal. Because you're different, and not the good kind of different.
Shame is very linked to feelings of unworthiness. Which just means that you feel undeserving of anything good and you don’t feel like you have any value.
The worst feeling associated with shame is the feeling of dirtiness, self-disgust or self-loathing. You look at yourself, you feel gross about who you are. It’s a really awful feeling, and it’s really hard to change.
4. Harsh judgement of yourself
People with shame are often incredibly harsh judges of themselves. Because they view everything in life through this lens of their own low self-worth. Even if they see a trait they have in someone else, and they like it, they don’t necessarily think it's a good thing in themselves. They are quick to blame, and assume that anything bad relates to them. They may even say that they hate themselves. Although, this is not the case for everyone. This is where I think the self-condemnation bit comes in. Self-condemnation is when we debase or degrade ourselves. We lower our value, because of the harsh judgements we have pronounced upon ourselves.
5. The Urge to Hide
This is usually associated with the feelings of dirtiness and disgust. It can also relate to that feeling of being exposed. It can also be related to intense feelings of embarrassment and humiliation (even if there is no external source for the humiliation). Whatever the cause, it is one of the most common traits of shame. Even in the story of Adam & Eve, Genesis 2:25 the writer makes this really odd statement that almost seems out of place. He says:
“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
Then in Genesis 3:7 immediately after Adam and Eve eat the fruit, they become suddenly aware of their nakedness and make coverings for themselves. Then in verse 8, when they hear God walking through the garden, their first instinct is to hide. They were suddenly aware of how exposed they were, and it probably felt vulnerable.
When we experience shame, often our first instinct is to hide. A person may not turn up to something, or they disappear for a while.
As a teenager I had really intense body image problems. I felt very ashamed of my body and I would deliberately wear heavy jumpers to hide myself. Even when it was sweltering heat. People would say to me constantly “aren’t you hot?” and I’d just say “Na I don’t feel the heat that much”. It was a total lie. I would just rather not have a single person see what was under the thick jumper, convinced that they would be just as disgusted as me. Now thank God I am not like that anymore, because I live in Brisbane now! And the heat gets so much worse here than Sydney.
Hiding is a really common response to shame.
Which also brings me to the next point. Shame does appear in scripture. Obviously there’s the scenario with Adam and Eve. But there is also:
Job 10:15, which says
“If I am guilty—woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.”
Job says, “I cannot lift my head”. This is so interesting, because a quick google search will reveal that looking down and not maintaining eye contact, can be a sign of shame. It’s like when your dog does something naughty, and it bows its head unwilling to make eye contact right.
This is a really fascinating concept. Because in other parts of scripture, writers will refer to God lifting their heads. Or even ‘Look up’ as God requests of Abraham. Yes, it is symbolic of turning our gaze toward God. But it could also be symbolic of God’s desire to take away our shame.
Psalm 34:5, it says:
“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame”
Again there is this idea that there is a relationship with the face and shame.
Psalm 25:3 David says:
“No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.
And now the one that really deserves a mention is the passage in Luke 11:5-8. It says:
“Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.”
Shameless audacity. Now here’s what is fascinating about this precise statement. This is the first instance, where the word shameless is NOT being used in a negative sense. And it’s Jesus who says it. Using a word, ANADEIA, that never occurs again in the New Testament! He uses the word to describe how we are to approach God: with shameless audacity. In other words, be absolutely ridiculous in how frequently you pray and what you ask Him for!
What I find most fascinating about this, is that it’s almost like God is completely flipping the concept of shamelessness. Instead of it being about dirtiness, and unclean behaviour...it’s about being so bold and brazen when we pray that there just can be no consideration of whether you have the right or the permission to ask! He’s saying - Just ask! It sort of puts the passage in Hebrews 4:16 into perspective. It says:
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
With confidence we can draw near to the throne of grace! We can be so bold to expect grace EVERY TIME, no matter what we have done. No matter how dirty and shameful we feel. With confidence is how we are to approach grace. With no doubt in our mind that what we will receive is love, grace and mercy. Did you have a distant parent? Well for those who did, you know that you wouldn’t even approach them because you knew what you were going to get. But with God, this is the very reason we approach: Because we know we are going to get grace, mercy and love. God is predictable in this way.
So besides the fact that shame is so universally experienced, the reason we need to talk about this is because of an apparent misunderstanding that has created barriers in our relationship with God. We get told in the Christian world that we aren’t good enough for God. We are unworthy. And yes there is much to say that this is true. When Isaiah sees God in chapter 6 in verse 5, he says
“woe is me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King”.
Isaiah becomes instantly aware of how unworthy He is to stand in the presence of God. But here’s the thing: yes in our sinful state without the righteousness of Jesus, we are not worthy of His forgiveness or His pardon. But that has never meant we were unworthy of His love. His love is not like that. He doesn’t withdraw it because we did something bad. That would make His love conditional and imperfect like our love.
But scripture tells us He is love. He emanates perfect self-sacrificial love, because it's who He is. Our worthiness of His love has never been the question. He doesn’t love us because, well who's gonna love us if He doesn’t. It's not out of pity. It’s not out of duty. It’s not because He should! It's because He is love, and He can do nothing else but love His creation. If this is hard to listen to, you might need to re-listen to this paragraph a few times over. Let it get into your heart. Confuse the pre-existing shame that has made you believe that you are not worthy of connection. And that you are not loveable.
God adores you. He is even proud of you. Some of you find this really hard to comprehend. You have heard how much God hates sin, and how we are sinners, and we find it hard to reconcile the idea that God could be proud of us. But I tell you how I know He is proud of us. This is what Paul says in Ephesians 2:6-7 -
“And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.”
God is NOT hiding us. He raised us up with Christ and seated us in heavenly places. He positions us before at least the heavens...because we testify of the incomparable riches of His grace. With all that we are. Our pasts, our misinterpretations of scripture, our ability to get life so wrong...He isn’t embarrassed by any of it. In fact, He kind of shows us off as an example of what grace can do. Like in the book of Job. When Satan comes to God, He says “Look at my servant Job, He is so good”. That’s what He does for us. Even though you might feel ashamed. He is not ashamed of you.
So in closing, here is a thought.
In 1 Corinthians 4:3-4 Paul makes a groundbreaking statement. It is so countercultural for our time, that I would say it’s earth shattering. The Corinthian church was picking favourites, and it was causing division. Some preferred Paul and some preferred Apollos. Paul was concerned about the division that had arisen as a result of all this siding. And so He is addressing the issue. But slipped in amidst the correction, is this striking statement:
“But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me.”
He says “I do not even judge myself”. What does that mean? If you are anything like me, I am constantly judging myself, an age old internal tradition that I started as a child. And in Christian community we are often encouraged to judge ourselves. But Paul just slips in this staggering truth. That even our judgement against ourselves doesn’t really hold any weight. It is the Lord's judgement that counts. So in the big scheme of things, at the end of our life will anything that we believed about ourselves: too fat, too thin, not pretty enough, not smart enough, too smart, too short, too tall, not a good listener, not an initiative taker, not a good leader…will any of the multitude of judgements, the vast array of statements we make about how we lack, make any difference in the end? Will it change the declaration that Jesus makes over us? No!
From the day you were born again, till the day of your death. The same declaration has been made, and will be made. You are RIGHTEOUS. It’s not because of you or anything you have done. But the righteousness found in Jesus. But that doesn’t take ANYTHING away from the fact that the statement made in response to what God sees, when He looks at you, is RIGHTEOUS. He says you are clothed in white.
That declaration doesn’t change! You are righteous before God. Even if you become spiritually mature, or the leader of some massive church or denomination. You are and will forevermore be, as righteous as the day you committed your worst sin. Even if Billy Graham or Martin Luther stood before you today, God would declare the exact same thing over you as He would them - Righteous! God sees no distinction between the most holy looking person and the rest of us that are just doing the best they can. We are all righteous. None is more righteous. None is less. Yes, you still sin. But His grace is sufficient for that. And so is His righteousness.
If it ultimately makes no difference. If what I think about myself makes no difference at all...what does it mean for shame? You are free to let the walls of shame down. Because you are no longer what YOU say. You are wasting your breath and energy assessing and critiquing yourself. Because it’s not going to make any ultimate difference to what happens to you.
There is only 1 difference judging yourself can make in this life. It makes a difference in how you live TODAY and the quality of this life.