Learning How to Say Sorry
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
It’s Christmas! A time that is known for fun, celebration, giving and eating too much. But unfortunately for many, Christmas also brings back memories of pain and conflict. As much as we would like our families to represent something homely and safe, it's not the case for everyone. Including Christians.
So many of the difficult familial situations we find ourselves in could be remedied by one word: Sorry. It would appear that this word is one of the hardest to say! There is something in us that often recoils from using this word, even though the truth is that decades of tension could be smoothed over instantly by saying it.
So why is sorry so hard to say?
Here are three reasons:
We have a high investment in being right
Our society is notorious for mishandling mistakes and failings. We often condemn and judge those who make mistakes, especially if they have disappointed us in some way. Unfortunately the consequence is that we become invested in being right. If you have had to defend yourself for the mistakes you have made, if you have been made to feel shame and rejection because of these choices…the end result is not necessarily a change in choices and behaviours as those in your life have probably desired deep down. Instead it has just become increasingly important to be right. And be right all the time!
Often people who don’t know how to say sorry, are battling with their own self-perception and fear that they will be condemned for their mistakes. They are afraid that their apology will not be received and that they will be left to deal with their shame in isolation. Which can be so much more painful than having made the mistake.
2. We have discomfort with vulnerability
Saying sorry is a great act of vulnerability. There is no word that reminds us of our humanity, our fallibility and our weakness more than this word. For some, feeling weak is the most shame-producing situation they could face. And because they aren’t equipped to handle the shame (and let's be honest who of us are?) they avoid the situations that make them feel weak. Including apologising.
3. We struggle with pride
Pride is so closely related to the other two points. Sometimes the reason we have escaped to the temptation of pride is because it feels much safer to be dominant and superior than the supposed alternative: to feel inferior. Inferiority is the cause of so many dysfunctional choices in this day. Whether it be seeking a prominent position in life, being wealthy, or attempting to live up to the Western beauty standards. As Christians though, we ought to recognise that pride is not a safe place at all. Pride is a counterfeit form of protection. When you are full of pride, you may feel invincible. But the Bible reminds us so frequently that “pride comes before a fall”. Pridefulness is the most unstable place to inhabit. It’s like dancing right on the edge of a cliff. It is possible to be neither inferior or superior, and that is the place where genuine humility exists.
So we see that the inability to say sorry may stem from inward dysfunctions that require healing. So what do we do? How do we move forward?
First we must acknowledge that we need spaces that are safe for people to make mistakes in. If you don’t currently have that, you may need to make a space.
Secondly, we all need to get better at accepting apologies. Sometimes when someone apologises, we feel the need to reiterate at length the ways in which they have hurt us. It may be true that they have hurt you, but sometimes that rant is just a form of revenge, an attempt to alleviate our own disappointment! Yes, sometimes we do just need to be validated. But not always. This rant is what contributes to creating an unsafe place where apologies aren’t endorsed.
Thirdly, tell your family and friends that saying sorry is something you really struggle to do. Ask them to become a safe place for you. Ask them to reward you with praise and encouragement every time you say the word. By doing so, you get a chance to rework all of the unhealthy emotional attachments to the word. So that when you do need to apologise, the person who has been hurt is the focus of your conversation…rather than all the baggage.